Axe Dark Temptation

I don't think you're going to see this commercial anytime soon on "Oprah" or "Desperate Housewives," but you can't avoid it on just about every baseball and football broadcast -- right after the one for Captain Morgan Rum.

It will sell a lot of Axe body spray.

I'm including it here as an example of the kind of repetitive media messages men are bombarded with when most women aren't watching -- and also beacuse it's sick, twisted and kind of funny:

What Would Homer Do?

If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you have $49 today.

If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you have $33 today.

If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you have $0 today.

If you purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and recycled the aluminum cans for cash, you have $214 today

Based on this scenario, your best investment in these difficult times would appear to be the 401-Keg, which involves drinking heavily and recycling

In related news, recent studies have found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year, and drinks, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year

As a result, the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon

Thanks to all who participated for doing your part in keeping America great!


We were watching an episode of "Mad Men" last night and Gail, commenting on one of the characters, exclaimed "Updo!"

A few weeks ago, I spotted a sign in the window of a hair salon in Cambridge that read "Updos," and asked Gail what that meant. She explained it to me, but it wasn’t until a couple of days later, when Sarah Palin gave her acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, that I really got the concept.

This photo from today's New York Times of her recent "briefing" by Henry Kissinger interweaves the style (and bad memories) of the 1960s with 2008.

And Henry The K looks like he's just had a little bit of a Jill St. John flashback

Fashion Update: Accessorize

"At hospitals, as at Tiffany’s, ruby-colored bracelets are far preferable to amethyst.

New York’s 11 public hospitals are at the forefront of a national movement to standardize color coding of hospital wristbands to designate patient conditions, in which purple — the color of amethyst — means “Do Not Resuscitate.”

Red, or ruby, indicates allergies, while yellow — call it amber — marks someone at risk for falling."

I will be shocked if this movement does not spawn a fashion trend, given the current ubiquity of colored bracelets commemorating everything from surviving cancer to preserving Social Security. I know that yellow is for the Lance Armstrong Foundation, but I couldn’t tell you anything about any other color.

I'm going to have to get one of the purple “DNR” ones to wear around the Office.

Don't Crush That Dwarf...

For eight years, I’ve been hearing “Where’s the Outrage?” in regard to current events, and recalling all the outrage forty years ago over current events of that time.

Now, finally, we have some outrage. Travelocity has been charged with abuse in the treatment of its iconic garden gnome.

As you may have noticed, Travelocity’s television commercials have repeatedly placed the gnome in harm’s way at various travel destinations around the world. Many viewers, concerned for the gnome’s safety and survival, have become outraged.

In response, an international movement has formed to liberate ALL garden gnomes. Movement tactics thus far have included Campus Outreach and a German embargo. Click on the title to view one of the sites.

It’s heartening to discover what you’ll find if you lean your head out far enough from Desolation Row.

You Really Couldn't Make This Up...

I wish that I could lay claim to the following announcements (or remember who I borrowed them from), but they were harvested from actual church bulletins:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Redneck Indicators

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table (in front of her kids.)
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."
Your junior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.