Everything You Need To Know About Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Northwest Florida Daily News is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.


Just Manny Being Manny

Manny Ramirez, still serving his 50-game suspension for using banned substances, paid a visit to his teammates in the LA Dodgers clubhouse the other day, in violation of MLB policy, and had a typical Manny comment:

"I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody, so that's it," Ramirez said. "I'm just going to come and play the game."

Boston fans, in the Comments section of the Boston Globe, of course had some pointed reactions to this:

"I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody"
The man child puts it all into perspective for us. Manny, we are fools to judge you..... you moron.
Posted by jdub June 10, 09 06:37 PM

I wonder how much the LA fans like the whole "Manny being Manny" show now. Total "We told you so!" moment.
Like my ex-Wife....we had some good times, I have some great memories...but she's someone else's problem now.
Posted by Chris June 10, 09 07:13 PM

There's gotta be a couple of unsolved murders and rapes in L.A....since you brought it up Manny...where were you?
Posted by Artiepus June 10, 09 07:41 PM

Defense lawyers everywhere should take note of that for their clients:
"Your honor, I stand here accused of stealing a car so I could sell drugs. But yo, check it out. I didn't rape nobody. I didn't kill nobody. So that's it."
Posted by JimR June 10, 09 08:03 PM

Wombs For Rent

Here's an update to a Freeway post about women lining up to sell their eggs:

In a recent Wall Street Journal, Thomas Frank responds to New York Times reporter Alex Kuczynski’s personal account of hiring a surrogate mother.

Actually, “responds to” is probably not the right phrase -- it’s more like “rips apart.”

Thomas Frank writes:

"Surrogate motherhood has been the subject of much philosophical and political dispute over the years.

"To summarize briefly, it is a class-and-gender minefield. When money is exchanged for pregnancy, some believe, surrogacy comes close to organ-selling, or even baby-selling.

"It threatens to commodify not only babies, but women as well, putting their biological functions up for sale like so many Jimmy Choos.

"If surrogacy ever becomes a widely practiced market transaction, it will probably make pregnancy into just another dirty task for the working class, with wages driven down and wealthy couples hiring the work out because it's such a hassle to be pregnant."

Cash-Strapped NPR Launches 'A Couple Things Considered'

WASHINGTON—Facing major cutbacks, National Public Radio has been forced to retool and relaunch its popular program All Things Considered as a truncated newscast that now only considers a couple, maybe three things per show.

"We'd love to consider all things, but the reality is we no longer have the resources necessary to do so," host Michele Norris said following the new show's first broadcast, in which falling gas prices and jazz legend Wynton Marsalis were considered.

"We'll still be able to mention six or seven things, gloss over four, and reference five, but we cannot afford to give every single thing our full consideration. Perhaps we were biting off more than we could chew in the first place."

A Couple Things Considered is just one of many new shows brought about by budget constraints, along with NPR's recently launched Bicycle Talk and Public Radio International's This Tri-State Area Life.

(The Onion)